Don't Go In The Woods

Don't Go In The Woods - Movie Review

The lead singer of an indy band forces his bandmates into the woods on a camping trip.  They get rid of the weed, the booze and the cellphones and focus all their efforts into writing some new, kickass tunes. KUMBAYA!!!

I want to start this review by saying I was really looking forward to this movie.  The premise, marketing and trailer were right up our alley here at The Basement of Terror but the execution was right down the sh#tt@r!! This film is directed by Vincent D'Onofrio which most people remember as the enigmatic Private Pyle from "Full Metal Jacket."  I thought to myself "Ok, we got Vinnie D, he has got some cash and the film is shot on some land he owns in New York somewhere.  On top of that he knows how to act and has a ton of experience in the industry so how the hell could he screw up a slasher film?!"  Well, folks, he did....he did bad.

Right off the bat I had trouble believing the actors.  Now I don't want to get down on these guys; they are certainly better actors than I will ever be and it is a very difficult thing to judge.  I wish them the best in their careers, hopefully doing whatever besides acting.  It just wasn't there, dudes, and if you want to blame that on the director than go ahead.  I immediately hated the lead singer Nick, played by Matt Sbeglia.  I think it's Matt Sbeglia but I am unable to find any pictures on IMDB because this is his only film credit to date -- Thank you for that, Matt Sbeglia.  They are about five minutes into the movie and he throws their weed out the window saying "We are here to focus on the music."  How cliche!  And the way the rest of the band acted when it happened was just ridiculous. They didn't say anything except "Did he just do what I think he did?" sounding like a dude that just woke up from a nap!  He just threw a big bag of weed out the window and you are going on a camping trip!  Now we are not potheads at the Basement of Terror but we know you never mess with a man's bag of weed.  At its most basic level it's just like he threw $100 out the window--and probably more judging by the size of that bag, and these dudes do nothing more than whimper!  Guess what this jerk does later?  He pours out all their booze! What a dick!  Is this the main character I'm supposed to care about?  Who am I supposed to care about?  The Asian guy?  The blind guy? Yes, this band has an annoying lead singer, an Asian guy, a blind bass player and I think the remaining member is Mexican or something...they are very cultured and super annoying.

The pacing was the scariest part of this entire movie.  It starts out with just the band but then to the behest of the annoying lead singer all their girlfriends and groupies show up.  I didn't mind this because I knew this was a slasher and now there are plenty of victims to go around, THIS COULD BE FUN!  Nope, we basically watch an episode of Glee chock-packed with one awful song after another.  Maybe I misunderstood the marketing but I in no way expected this to be a musical.  And it's not just songs from the band members, it has songs sang by every damn person in the entire movie including a French girl who is just learning to speak English!  "Je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime....I love you..I love you..I love you" UGH that just gave me the chills remembering it.  Apparently this entire film was written to showcase the music of Vinnie D's friend, Sam Bisbee, who is also the co-writer.  Let's just say you all need to find new day jobs.  "Hey, I've got this awesome jam that has some French words in it... let's like, have there be a French girl in the script!" DUMB!!!  I've got some French for ya...Au revoir any movie or music containing Sam Bisbee. 

"Don't Go In The Woods" is Not Rated, has a run time of 83 minutes (which feels like a year and a half) and gets a half star on the gore score, our lowest score to date.  Only because we respect filmmaking and realize how difficult it is can we give this movie a half star.  I suggest going in the woods if it helps you escape this big private PYLE of garbage.